Sex-negativity
The belief that sex is overall morally negative in society
(From a series of text messages I sent a friend)
Sex-negativity, the belief that sex is overall morally negative in society, is quite attractive to me.
Because in practice, women are controlled, objectified, and discriminated against through sex. Sex is inseparable from patriarchy, both societally and psychologically.
In society, the more traditional method is through arranged marriage. To enforce male inheritance, status, and pleasure. The most shocking practice is probably female genital mutilation (e.g. sowing up the vagina, opening it only on the day of marriage) and rape.
The more liberal practices include sex work and sex tourism. Which are problematic because of the abuse, stigma, and lack of protections. Also porn which objectifies women.
Between traditional and liberal, we have sugar daddies, rich old men who marry poor young women for the sex. I learnt that in some of these relationships, both sides aren't even fluent in each others' languages (so it isn't even about practical everyday living together, just the sex).
Meanwhile psychologically, we have non-consensual sex. Women are overwhelmingly the victims of sexual assault, rape, workplace harassment, stalking. Basically the entire narrative of women being 'vulnerable' and needing to take care of themselves or have a 'protector' comes from the possibility of their being raped. Being kidnapped for sex trafficking, raped by some psychopath on the street, having abusive family members and boyfriends. If they do face these things there is victim blaming. These constitute a wide range of societally conditioned fears, and even accepted behaviours, in this domain that most men do not have to deal with.
In consensual sex, it is common for wives to traditionally feel a 'duty' to provide their husband with sex. Among the younger people it's probably a form of people pleasing, the sex-positive expectation that sex is wonderful, normalisation of having it in a relationship. To deny sex, many women feel that they need an 'excuse', they can't just say no.
There is also an orgasm gap. Because sex is construed as penetrative sex, which men tend to enjoy much more than women. Other forms of sexual practices like foreplay are seen as 'not real' sex.
So it's statistically more likely for women, in consensual relationships, to be expected to have sex, and to enjoy it less.
And finally there is BDSM. The overwhelming majority of Dominants are men, while submissives are women. I find Dominant/submissive inseparable from male/female status in society. And I worry that it's some kind of internalised psychological response, so deep that it becomes a primordial preference.
To be clear, I think sex can be done in a way that respects women. And each person who engages in it and promotes it, helps to change the narrative around sex.
I just have high standards for it. Or reasonable standards, which appear high given the current norms.
Telling the guy to not just do penetrative sex, but other things you like, I think that's a form of feminism. Saying yes only if you truly want to. Learning to say no is also a useful skill, because guys may not get the hints that women tend to pick up.